The strangest thing Marc Wootton has had in his mouth was 'his teacher's cock'. and it gets worse
Marc Wootton was the talent behind Cyderdelic, My New Best Friend, and the magnificent Shirley Ghostman. And you really should already be watching his new show Marc Wootton Exposed (Sundays, 10pm, BBC3). He likes apes, Muppets and all animals, despite an unfortunate incident with a mouse... What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever had in your mouth? Umm, I can’t think. My teacher's cock? That’s not actually that weird is it? That’s just what most school kids go through. Erm, I don’t know. Can we move on?
Do you collect anything weird? I’m obsessed with monkeys, and I collect lots of monkey things, Planet of the Apes especially. Anything from Planet of the Apes, Beneath the Planet of the Apes, Escape from Planet of the Apes, Conquest of the Planet of the Apes. I’m not that into Battle of the Planet of the Apes because it got a bit weak by then. I also collect a lot of Muppet memorabilia. I’ve got a replica Kermit and BT phone cards of each of the Muppet characters.
Why monkeys? I think the reason that I love monkeys is that people complicate life when in actual fact it is about playing, eating and shagging. And monkeys do just that. They don’t bother with mortgages, stupid little concrete houses, pavements, silly little monkey cars, emails and mobile phones. You wouldn't find a monkey forcing a another monkey to work extremely long hours for low pay just to keep himself in trainers. They just shag, play, eat and sleep. And that’s what we should do. I always look to the monkeys for guidance and think, ‘What would a monkey do here?’
What’s the biggest animal you’ve ever killed? Shirley Ghostman killed a dog by shoving all the pieces of Buckaroo up its arse. But me, it’s a mouse. I caught a mouse using one of those humane traps but then didn’t know what to do with it, so I let him go in some water thinking he might drown, but he swam and swam. I felt really guilty and awful. I couldn’t just leave him to drown, so I scooped him into a carrier bag and… killed him. I don’t know what came over me. It was weird. I feel terrible.
Do you ever hear voices? My nan was a paranoid schizophrenic and she definitely heard voices. She came to stay with us at one point and it was just the weirdest time, feeling quite unnerved by this quite ancient lady kind of having proper full on conversations with kettles and people “on the air”. I would help her act out these huge flights of fantasy and encourage her.
Once she put a pillow up her front and went round to our next-door neighbours and told the wife that her husband had got her pregnant. She once told my mum that she had my sisters and I at the bottom of the garden and was going to kill us. She hadn’t at all, We were all sat round the table waiting for dinner to be served. Scary lady.
What’s the closest to death you’ve ever come? We’d always end Cyderdelic by laying in traffic. I had a few close shaves on that show. After a while you’d done the show so many times you started thinking that unsuspecting motorists know the end, but of course they don’t. I had some close shaves and I got hit once, which was a good ending to the show.
What’s the biggest animal that you’ve ever ridden? I rode my next-door neighbour’s cat and broke its legs. That’s not true. I just threatened to do that. I said, “If you come round here any more, wise guy, I’m going to ride your cat and break its legs.” I didn’t really. I wish I had.
Do you have any fetishes? I wish I was a bit more unusual and I could say that I loved fucking people’s eyes in but I really don’t have any extreme fetishes, I’m quite boring. Is wearing women like shoes a fetish? No, I don’t have that fetish. I’m trying to think but I don’t have anything weird. I don’t think, ‘Oh god, I like disabledies rubbing up against me’. I’d love to say something rock and roll but I’d be lying.
Have you ever wet yourself through fear? No, but I wet myself when I was doing an episode of at Bayswater ice skating rink. I was told that I couldn’t wet myself for health and safety reasons but I just drank loads and weed all over the ice. You got that mistiness. It looked like an old Top of the Pops dry ice number. It was the episode that never got shown because the guy flipped out about it.
Have you ever had an imaginary friend? Spanner Man wasn’t an imaginary friend but more like a kind of another version of me. You’d never see us in the same place. I used to get out an adjustable spanner and be like, “Where’s Marc? Have you seen Marc? No? Oh well, Spanner Man’s here!”
If you had to have sex with an animal, what would you choose? A little marmoset. Not intercourse sex because it would find that pretty stressful with its tiny little orifices. But marmosets have mini little hands, and those around your cock would make it look huge.
If you had to choose between necrophilia, coprophilia and bestiality, which would you choose? I think it would have to be necrophilia because it would be the least stressful. If there was a crowd of people watching me doing it with my dead nan and clapping in time with the strokes, I would find that really quite stressful. But if it was just me and my nan and we were in a little place and no one knew, she’s dead so she’s not really there, so it’s just a case of closing your eyes and pretending it’s someone else. And their hands would be able to grip stuff, like my little replica Kermit that you can move and pose. I imagine that you can pose dead people to do stuff if the rigor mortis has set in, which would make it all easier.
Not an ape then? I reckon that they would be pretty rough. I think I’d be pretty scared. You’d get thumped on the back. I don’t think that I would be able to get it up because I would be so anxious that it was going to hit me with its big thumping fists. At least with a dead person you wouldn’t have to think about their feelings. It’s a guilt free bit of fun.